~Yes, we are still alive!~

Hmmmmm.....Where do I even begin?....

January just was not my month!!

Hopefully February gets better!!

Well, I am afraid that this is going to be a long post! So if you don't have time or are really not interested in hearing me ramble on about my life then you better stop reading now.

I really debated about writing all the things that I am going to write about but this is our family journal and there are things that have happened this last month that I would like to remember. So here it goes.

For the last few months I have been feeling very tired and worn down. I have had absolutely no motivation and can't get hardly anything done. I am very irritable and angry a lot. I could not sleep at night. I would be up until 2-3 in the morning and finally crawl in bed only to have the alarm go off at 6:30 to get the kids up for school. It eventually got bad enough that Eric began accusing me of being Bi-Polar! (Ya, not fun)

Finally I decided that I needed to go and talk to my Dr. and see what she had to say. So the middle of January I went in and visited with her about what was going on. She said that she wanted to do a blood test to check my thyroid and see if that was normal and if it was then we would go from there. The next day my results came back normal. (Bummer! I was kind of hoping that she would say "We know exactly what is causing it, here is some medicine to take for a week and then you will be feeling fine!!" HA HA, ya right!) Wishful thinking! I told her what Eric said about being Bi-Polar and I think that she hurt her jaw by the way it dropped open. She could not believe that my husband would say such things. I guess she doesn't know my husband! HEHEHE!! Anyway after a very simple test she kind of laughed and said that 'the chances of me being Bi-Polar are soooo very slim that she would never even consider that option.' (*Sigh* what a relief!! Kind of!! That still meant that the only other option was depression)

She put me on anti depressants and told me to give it a try and if I wasn't feeling any better to give her a call. UGGG!! I hate being on anti-depressants! I feel like there is something wrong with me. Like I am not normal (like everyone else) and that I need to be figuring out how to make myself better without medicine! I hate them!

***Sidenote/Story***
Some of you may know and some of you do not but soon after we adopted Keira I went into a pretty deep depression. I was able to hide it pretty good outside of our home but not so good inside our home. I thought that I was crazy!! It is not like I had Keira. Like I was having post pardom depression. Honestly I could not figure out was was wrong with me. I did not want to get out of bed. I would lay in bed and listen to this sweet little baby cry and know that she needed me and that I needed to get up and take care of her but I just couldn't. It was all that I could do to get out of bed and feed her or change her or what ever else she needed.
And on top of that people began treating me differently. They would say some of the dumbest things. I had one lady tell me not to expect very much out of my baby because no adopted child turns out ok. Then someone else told me that we were going to have nothing but problems with her race. Don't get me wrong there was a lot of positive people. More that I thought actually, but sometimes the mean and hurtful things are the ones that really stick out.
I had lots of thoughts of getting into the car and just leaving. Forever. Driving until I had no clue where I was and then stay there. Then do the same thing again the next day. Would anyone even notice that I was gone? Would anyone even care? I kept thinking, Why did Keira's birth mother pick us? There are so many people out there that could offer her so much more that I could. So many people more deserving. She deserved better than a mother that was going through this. She deserved someone who could sit on the couch and snuggle her and bond with her and admire how beautiful she was. What was wrong with me?? Why couldn't I do that?
Now, I don't want you to think for even one minute that I did not or do not LOVE my little Keira!!! Because I absolutely did and do now more than ever. And honestly that is what kept me going! The knowledge that she was mine and that her birth mother had trusted me to take care of her and raise her and love her.

That is why I got help.

She was about four months old and I called my Dr. and told him what was going on. I actually expected him to laugh at me and confirm my thoughts that I was crazy but he told me that he was adopted and that his adoptive mother actually went through the same thing! WOW! What a relief! So to make a long story short!?!? I was on anti-depressants for almost 2 years! I didn't feel like I could talk to Eric about it. To him, depression is a choice. In fact I had been on anti-depressants for a year before I even told him about it.

The worst and saddest part for me is that I don't really remember much about Keira as a baby and I really, really missed out on that and really bonding with her as a baby! It makes me cry now just thinking about it. It was such a hard and trying time in my life.

***flash forward to now***

I told you this was going to be a long post!!

So anyway I started to take my Anti-Depressants about 2 1/2 weeks ago and the first day felt SOOOOO tired. I could not stop yawning! I just wanted to go to bed! But I felt good. I was not stressed, or grumpy or moody! I just felt good. For the next 10 days I took my pills. Some days I would feel Great! Not like on cloud 9 but just great. Then other days I would be so tired that I could not function. One day Kelsey wanted me to lay down with her on the couch and the next thing I knew I was waking up 3 hours later with her asleep by me. But not once the entire time I in those 10 days did I ever have a hard time sleeping at night. Not once did I yell at my kids, Not once did Eric ask what was wrong with me. I felt good. I was happy, patient, kind. I got things done and was just positive about everything. But I was SOOOOOO, SOOOOO tired!!

So I decided to stop taking the pill. The first day off was ok. The second day was ok. The third day was good. But the forth day Eric asked if I had taken my pill because everything was irritating me. I was frustrated, and irritable and yelling at the kids. And of course being the defensive person that I am I told him that I was just having a bad day. Well the bad day never ended.

So here I sit typing away, and feeling SOOOOOO very tired!!

Yes, I am back on the pill again beginning today. So we will see!

There are a couple of other things that happened last month too that I would like to write about but I will give you a break for now!!
HAHA!!!