~Adoption & My Girl~

I feel the need to clarify some things about my post where I talked about my depression after adopting Keira.

I do not want anyone to think that in any way I did not or do not want Keira!!! I absolutely do want Keira and at no time did I ever not want her!!
Most of my questions and doubts were about myself and my ability to care for her. But, I am getting way ahead of myself. Let me go back to the beginning.

When Eric and I first started talking about starting our family we knew that at some point we wanted to adopt. Even though at that point I had no clue that I was not supposed to have children on my own. It had never even been brought up by any of my cardiologists. (If you don't know my heart history, then that it a whole different post) Anyway I happened to say something to my Dr. at my yearly checkup sometime after Eric and I were married and she was completely against my getting pregnant. Which was a surprise to me. But I wasn't really upset. I am not sure why. I mean, yes, I did want to have my "own" kids but I knew that we could and would adopt. After talking with Eric about it we decided that we would start the process of adoption.

At the time I was very naive about adoption, the most that I knew was that somewhere there was a girl that was pregnant or a baby that needed a home and I could be the mother. Every pregnant girl that I looked at I wondered if they were placing their baby for adoption. And if so, I was the one that they were looking for. I wanted a baby so badly. We finished all of our adoption paperwork through LDS Family Services and were getting ready to start taking the adoption courses that they require. The first day of the class (which was held in Logan, Utah) we got off work in Jackson and headed straight to Logan. We got to the building where the class was and no one was there. We called the office and found that they had canceled the class and that they had left a message at our home. But we did not get it because we headed straight there after work. We were so frustrated.

The following Sunday I woke up feeling terrible! I was so sick. It was fast Sunday for our church and so I did not eat. I went up to Eric as soon as church was done and told him that I was really sick and going home. He had a meeting and came home later and thought that he was going to have to take me to the hospital. But after eating some food I started to feel better. All night long I was wondering what was wrong with me. I started to wonder if I was pregnant. But I knew that I couldn't be. I was on birth control and was not even supposed to be pregnant.

After I got to work Monday morning I ran to the store and bought a pregnancy test. It immediately tested positive! I was so excited and scared that I started to shake. I called Eric and told him and then tried calling my Cardiologist. She was not available (a blessing in disciuse). Another Cardiologist took my call after a nurse told him what I was telling him. He told me that he would get my chart and flip through it (I don't think he realized it was going to be a 10 volume novel) and then call me back. The wait was TERRIBLE! I just sat at work and didn't get anything done. I was thinking about this sweet little baby that was mine and that I wanted to have this baby no matter what the outcome was. I know somewhere in the waiting I called my mom and she immediately started to cry. At the time I could not let my emotions get to me so I just reassured her that things were going to be ok. Eric called me back a couple of times asking if I had heard anything yet. I could hear in his voice that he was very nervous but excited also. I was scared to tell him what I was feeling because I was not sure what he was thinking. Finally the Dr. called me back and the first thing he asked me was "Do you want this baby?" without hesitating I told him that I did. His response was the best thing I have ever heard. He said "Good, because after reading your chart I don't see any reason your Dr. should have told you that you couldn't get pregnant." I told him that was great and then hung up the phone. I called Eric and told him and after hanging up the phone again I broke down and started to cry! What an emotional roller coaster! After finding out that things were going to be ok and that I was going to be able to continue with this pregnancy we were so very excited. We then called LDS family services and told them that we were not going to be adopting at this time.

The pregnancy went great with no complications and Kaiden is a happy and healthy 8 year old now!!

About a year later. We knew that we still wanted to have more children so we talked to my "new" Cardiologist. (I changed Dr.'s soon after we had Kaiden) He said that Kaiden had put a lot of stress on my heart and that he did not recommend getting pregnant again at this time. So we decided that now was the time to adopt.

We spoke with our agent at LDS family services again and got things going. In April of 2005 we finished all of your paperwork and got our home study done. During this time I had heard of another agency that was really good and called and asked for information to be sent to me. After reading over it we decided that we would see how things went with LDS first. I never responded or sent them anything. A month later (May 2005) I got a phone call from this same agency. They told me that they had a birthmother who was placing her baby for adoption and wondered if we wanted to send our profile. I talked with Eric about it and we both decided that we would sent it to them and see what happened. I knew that if that baby was supposed to be in our family that Heavenly Father would make it work. We prayed for the birthmother and that sweet little baby constantly. We prayed that she would make the best decision for her baby and that if we were the family that was best for the baby that she would know it. A week later I got a phone call from the agency saying that she had picked us. Holy Crap!! I could not believe it. I told Eric and he did not believe me. It was kind of funny! We were so excited. We found out that the baby was going to be a girl and that she would be born the first week of June! THREE WEEKS!! We had three weeks for a cute little baby to come into our family!! We didn't tell my family right away! We were headed to my cousin Jennette's wedding the following week and decided that we would tell everyone there.

The next week we headed to a luncheon for Jennette & Mike. We made Kaiden a note that he took to my parents that said. Guess what, I am going to be a big brother! My mom read it. And reread it about 5 times and kept looking at me like, Are you serious?? Then she broke down and started to bawl. Everyone at the luncheon was wondering what was going on. We were so excited to tell them!!!

Honestly, not being able to tell my mom for a whole week just about killed me!! The stress was terrible and I was an emotional mess. Then the realization that we only had two weeks before our baby came home hit me! We were so not ready! Those two weeks past so fast. And I had more stress and more sickness than I did the entire time I was pregnant with Kaiden. I got a nasty cold, and then strep throat and then the day before we were supposed to head to Salt Lake (Saturday) to go "have" a baby I got pink eye! I called the Dr. and he luckily he called in an antibiotic for me and we headed to Salt Lake!

Sunday! (June 5th) We drove to a park for lunch and to go and meet our social worker and then meet our birthmother "C"! I was so nervous and it was very obvious!!! Eric did really well. He was able to talk to the social worker and started asking lot of questions. Me? No! I was nice and polite but was so scared to meet the mother of our baby that I could hardly talk. When "C" and her three other children finally arrived I began to be more excited but still very nervous. She was such a pretty girl and very friendly. We both tried to talk to each other and be social but it just didn't work. I was so uncomfortable and self conscious about myself. What was she thinking about me??? Would she change her mind now that she met us?? Would her mother (who was with her) talk her out of it? I had so many questions and felt so unworthy of this blessing! I felt like she was realizing that there were so many better parents out there. That she had just made a HUGE mistake and that we were not the family that she wanted for her baby. But that never happened. We gave gifts to the other children which they loved! And then gave "C" a pretty pearl ring, Junes birthstone. Her and all of her children's birthday's are in June. She loved it! She was so grateful for it and that made me feel better. By the end of our time at the park I was feeling a lot better.

Monday, we were up at 6:00 to go to the hospital. We sat in the waiting room until about 8:30 and then they came and got us to go and see our little girl! They took me into "C's" recovery room and she gave me a wrist band. I could not believe that this was really happening. I began to cry and thanked her and then headed to the nursery to see my baby! It was such a mix of emotions! The nurse handed me this little baby. So tiny and cute. I did not know this little one and she did not know me. She did not grow inside of me. Yet I was her mother. I instantly loved her so much but at the same time was so confused by my my feelings. 4 weeks earlier I had only wished for a baby and now I had one. And I did not feel prepared for any of this. I held her and loved her for a few minutes and then handed her to Eric who did the same. I could tell that he was feeling the same mix of feelings that I was. But he was handling them A LOT better than I was.
The rest of that day is kind of a blur. I know that we had family members come and visit. The hospital staff sent us into a little storage room to show off our baby. And when I say little storage room I mean LITTLE STORAGE ROOM! It was a tiny room filled with equipment! They put a little folding chair in the room where it would fit and we couldn't even fit people into the room. It was so small and full that we had to stand halfway in the hall to visit! At the time I didn't know any better but now I wish that I would have demanded a hospital room. I know that there was plenty of open rooms and we could have had plenty of time to enjoy our little sweet heart!
We stayed as long as we could but around 3 or 4 we began to get hungry and so had to leave the hospital for lunch. "C" asked if she could keep Keira in her room with her while we were gone. She didn't want Keira left alone in the nursery. So anytime we left "C" had her. We could not stay at the hospital so we would have to go home (to my grandparents) at night and then go back to the hospital in the morning. I really feel like I did not get anytime to really bond with my baby. To get to enjoy her. To feel her sweet little spirit. To watch her sleep and wonder what she thought about this whole thing.

In Utah the adopt law is that the birhtmother had 24 hours before releasing all rights to her baby. So the next day "C" had to go off of all medications (She had Keira via C-section) so that she could sign Keira to us. It was such a hard time for her. She so wanted to keep Keira and really thought of anyway that she could possibly do it. It was such a stressful time for us. They took us into a hospital room and made us wait there. The social worker would come in and say "she is reading the paperwork now." Then came back and said "she is really having a hard time right now. I will let you know in a little bit what is going on." That little bit seemed to take forever. I know it wasn't too long and probably not long enough for "C" but when they finally came back and said that she had signed the paperwork and that Keira was ours we were so excited. The social workers asked us to leave "C" alone for a while with Keira so that she could kind of say goodbye and have some time with her for a bit. We left for lunch and came back later and "C" asked us to come in and talk with her. She was feeling much better and we were able to talk about a lot of other things with her. Like how we planed on raising her, what our expectations were, how we wanted to stay in touch and basically what we and she wanted for our little girl. It was a good talk and things went well. I fed Keira a bottle and then we headed back to my grandparents. Keira had to stay in the hospital until "C" left (Utah law). Leaving her there was so hard for me. I still had not had just one on one time with her and she was 2 days old now. Eric headed home that night because he had to get back to work so my mom stayed with me. I don't remember much other than feeling so confused. And emotional. I was sad for "C". I couldn't even imagine what was going on with her. I couldn't imagine how hard this was for her. I knew how much she wanted to take her baby home and in some crazy way I felt like I was stopping her from doing that. Like I was the one causing all of this pain. I know how crazy that sounds but that is what it felt like to me. I went to bed early that night and cried all night long!

The next day we got to the hospital and filled out more paperwork and then when it got time to release "C" my mom and I got Keira ready do come home. It was so awkward leaving the hospital. We walked down to leave with "C" and her mom. I was carrying Keira in her car seat and "C" was in her wheel chair. When we got to the doors we said goodbye and my mom and I went one way and "C" and her mom went the other way. It was raining and so we ran to the car. After getting in my mom said. "That was weird. It feels like we are sneaking away with someones baby." "I know" I said. We went to lunch with my aunt and her kids and then headed back to my grandma's again. Everyone wanted to come and see Keira that day and then my mom headed back home the following day I had to stay in Utah until the courts got our adoption papers finished (about 10 days). It was so good to have my mom there helping me and when she left I felt so alone! I did have my grandma helping me to and was so very grateful for that. But it just was not the same. This was really the first time alone that I had with my baby and I had know idea what I was doing. It was so different than when I had Kaiden and I was upset because I didn't want it to be. I wanted it to feel normal. To just bond with this sweet and perfect little one! But I just couldn't.

I couldn't wait to get home and just be a mommy. I thought that things would get better when I was there. But it really didn't. I just felt myself sinking deeper and deeper. I had more and more questions. I wondered what "C" was doing. If she was ok, if she still felt like she made the right choice. I felt like people were treating me differently because Keira was different. Everyone acted like my life didn't change. No one brought meals to me or really offered to help. People didn't treat me like I just had a baby. I still up all night. I was still very tired. I was still trying to figure out who this little one was and then I started feeling like I wanted to just leave. I wanted to "run away" and no one would even notice. I figured if I could just disappear then I could start all over somewhere else. But I knew that I couldn't. I was wife and a mother to two beautiful kids. And they needed me. I used to lay in bed and listen to Keira cry and I would start to cry. I would have to force myself to go and take care of her. I would feed her or change her and then lay her back in her bed. When I did just sit and hold her it felt like I had this HUGE weight on my shoulders. I would lay her on my legs and cry.
It was such a hard an ugly time in my life. That is when I finally called my Dr. and was given anti depressants. But I hated them. They worked a little but I still felt a lot of the same feelings. I was frustrated with myself and with my husband because he did not know. I didn't feel like I could tell anyone because I felt like I was crazy for feeling this way. That only people who deliver babies, feel this way. So I just kept dealing with it. I didn't tell anyone! It took me a year and a half to finally tell Eric what was going on. And my mom didn't find out until I posted the last post on my blog! (As a mother I cannot imagine how hard that would be for her and I really feel bad about not talking to her about it earlier) It was such a yucky and terrible time in my life. The hard part is that none of it was Keira's fault. And I felt like she was the one suffering because of it. I felt so bad for her and wanted to be the mother that she needed but didn't know how. This went on for about 2 years. I am still amazed that I was able to hide it from EVERYONE that long.
Looking back I would do things so differently. And knowing that I can't change or fix anything is probably the hardest thing for me. I would have talked about it more. I would have gone back to my Dr. and tried something different. I would have tried harder to be a better mother. Keira's first two years of her life are such a blur to me. I don't remember very much of it and what I do it is mostly not good.

The crazy thing is that I REALLY, REALLY want to adopt again. I really feel like we are meant to have more children through adoption. I feel like our family is not complete and that it will grow through blessing of adoption. Keira is such an amazing girl. She is such a sweetheart. She is always trying to do what is right and wants to be loved. When we went to the Temple to get Keira sealed to us there was a worker there that was talking to me. She said that President Monson came and spoke at a meeting they had and talked about families and sealings. He said something to the effect of "If an adopted child is sealed to there family then that child was meant to be a part of that family. That in Heaven they were a part of that family, they just needed someone else to get them here." I honestly and truthfully believe that with all of my heart! Keira is my daughter! She always will be. She was meant to come to us and I was meant to be her mother! And if I have to go through everything again to bring another child into our family I would gladly do it. I am not saying that I would want to go through the whole mess again but I would do it in a heartbeat for my child.








I love my family so much and would do anything for them. They are the reason that I am here. They are my purpose in life. I was meant to be a mother and to raise a my children. They are my world and my everything!!
I love this girl so much and would do anything for her! She is so wonderful and I am so very glad that I get to be her mother and raise her. She is becoming such a beautiful girl and I can not wait to see the woman she becomes!!

I hope that I have made myself clear and didn't depress you too bad. I just felt like I really needed to explain the situation and also to beable to get everything out in the open for myself and anyone else who might feel the same. If anyone has any questinos please feel free to post a comment! I really want to know what people think!

And I promise that my next post will be a lot less depressing!